I spent my whole life running away from pain into the warm, cheesy slices of Pizza. Since I was 10, when I was in pain, when I wanted to celebrate, when I was lonely or had company, Pizza was there.
Something that started innocently became my drug of choice that led to me being overweight, lying when I would binge eat, shame spiraling…rinse, and repeat.
The crazy part…in just 5 minutes one night in 2021, I was able to break my addiction to this drug.
When I started my health journey 4 years ago, it started out slow, with just counting calories. As I started to lose weight, I started to eat more healthily, and be more active.
I just couldn’t seem to shake off the habit of when I felt sad, overwhelmed by my 12 am pizza orders. I would binge eat, in the first few minutes feel sated (those carbs), and then feel ashamed.
It was made worse because I was all about being honest on Instagram about my journey and yet I began to lie about my food, I would fake the weight numbers that I posted…things were getting out of hand.
I kept getting stuck in this loop of falling down, apologizing, and then repeating it again.
Hooked on ‘that sauce’ I tried everything…sometimes going for 2 weeks but still I would break my promise, my diet, and be back in the hole.
Can you relate to that, ending up in the same hole because now it’s a habit? A bad relationship, friendship, stuck in that job…bad habit?
For some reason the pain I felt wasn’t enough, because I would end up in the:
“I just had about enough of this” but couldn’t reach the “I had enough of this”.
I knew what I had to do and viewer discretion is advised for this next part.
A year and a half ago, I ordered a deep dish Domino’s Pizza with the dipping sauce and a can of coke. It was 12 am and I am about to be back in that same familiar hole, I placed it on my kitchen counter frustrated.
“Dude, are you f-ing kidding me? Again, this garbage again? What the hell is the matter with you?”
At this point, I’ve already lost 30-40 pounds. I’m loving myself way more, but I can’t seem to break this bad habit. A toxic relationship with gravity so strong I can’t fully break the orbit, it pulls me back down.
Then it clicked, if I am going to fall, let’s make it so bad I will never touch it again.
I walked into the bathroom and I filled my bathtub with cold water. At this point, cold baths were part of my morning routine but this was something different.
I walked back into the kitchen, picked up the pizza, the sauce, and the coke, and as the water got full I dumped it all into the bathtub. Opened the garlic sauce and poured it, I took out the hot slices and tossed them, then the box opened the can of coke, and poured it too.
With my clothing on my body (because I knew I would hate that even more) I got into the bathtub and sat there.
While sitting there, wet and disgusted I had to make it even more worse. So I took a slice of pice and rubbed it on my face, on my hair and almost threw up at that very moment. The garlic sauce got in my eyes, I began to gag, and then I began to cry.
Something finally pushed me over the edge and I finally got to “I have had enough”
July 18, 2021 (I checked) was the last time I ever touched a slice of Pizza, that was that night.
It was one of the grossest things I’ve ever done, but it led to one of the best lessons I have ever learned. Pain can be transformative and I need to stop running away from it.
You see there are two kinds of pain: chronic and short bursting searing kind.
Chronic pains are all the things we suffer through silently, that eat away at our spirit. It causes heartburn, but not enough pain to allow a true change and so we are right back in that hole again.
I didn’t let myself truly reach and feel the bottom. In all those other nights when I would binge eat and break my promise.
The short bursting searing pain is the real catalyst of change. When things get so painful…
This is the “I have had enough of this!” moment that literally rewrites your brain into a new way of thinking.
I’m not saying if you hate your job, you need to take a cold bath with your boss, or smoke 100 cigarettes in 1 day (maybe the cigarette one might actually work).
I’m learning that as I continue to lean into the pain, not distract or numb myself, I seem to suffer less and less from chronic pain.
I spent my whole life running away from pain, not realizing that pain was my way through to healthier and loving Aleks.
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